Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Proof that men really are idiots!

Complete Idiots Guide to DatingNot that most women need any proof that men are idiots but just in case a few of you out there miraculously still need convincing, a recent study has shown that a man’s decision making abilities are severely impaired when it comes to something as simple as a pretty girl! Alright, maybe not the most surprising news ever but the way the study was carried out is actually quite interesting (in my humble opinion) and not as boring as you might expect! Just click on the link above, or right here if you’re feeling really lazy, to read the full story as reported by the BBC.

Personally, I thought the most interesting facet of the study was the manner in which they used a very simple test to determine if the male subjects had high testosterone levels. Apparently, and I’m going to have to take their word on this as I don’t have any evidence of my own to back it up, if a man’s ring finger (the one between the little finger and the middle finger) is longer than his index finger (the one between the thumb and the middle finger) then there is strong likelihood that the man in question has higher than normal levels of testosterone.

Wow! Who knew looking at someone’s hand could tell you so much! I’m a little taken aback by this as I would have always assumed that something like the ratio of finger lengths in human hands would be consistent and standard. I’ve been carrying out some random examinations since I’ve found this out, which has been a little disturbing for my test subjects in some cases. What’s freaking me out even more is that of all the hands I’ve checked out so far, my own fingers have the largest aberration I’ve found. Fabulous, I’m a fecking mutant! And no, I’m not going to tell you which finger is longer, a little bit of mystery can’t hurt I reckon. Besides, which is better, high or low testosterone? High testosterone might make you a randy goat but it might also make you go bald. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t!

Holding HandsMaybe some of you out there might have a view on which is better? Anyways, the next time a woman checks out your hands while you’re casually chatting on a night out, she might be figuring out more than you suspect!

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Comments:
im 6 ft 7" so since my testicles are higher than most do you think i have high testoterone? my ring finger was amputated in an incident with a catfish of the coast of donegal so i cant check :(
 
Good point tripeman, my theory is that since testoterone goes to your head so to speak, it must be lighter than gravity as it rises up through your body. So i found that doing a handstand every hour for 5 minutes, makes it float back to my testiclii. Let me know how you get on Mr Tripe. Theres a lot of 'cuckoo' remedies out there, often the answers simple.
 
Its only recently that science has discovered the link between the mean height
of the testiclii and testosterone. If this link was known sooner, so many wars
could of been avoided. Hitler often declared war from his lofty retreat in the
bavarian Alps. After spending several months there with his testiclii at a
high altitude, his testosterone levels would of swollen his testicles to gala
melon size proportions (note, not honeydew). His aggressive and vociferous
nature was his bodies own natural remedy to try and reduce his testicles to
normal. This didnt always work and in 1941 they swelled so much Goebbels had to
help with the weight burden by supporting them with the tusks from a white
hippo, this led to the declaration of war on Russia.
For more analysis see Micheal Nads - Scrotum Blitzkrieg.
 
We at ryanair were particularly concerned with the rising number of 'air rage' incidents occuring. We didnt follow conventional wisdom that an average consumption before boarding per passenger of 10 litres of vodka could explain the on board rioting.
We came across Wormius's Rising Testoterone Theorem and applied it to our flights recently with dramatic results. After take off during cloud breakage, so passengers are unaware, we turn the plane upside down to start testosterone reversal. We just reverse the polarity of the air pressure by blowing kryptonite through the air system, to keep everything in place and bingo. Testosterone reversal to the testiclii. So far no air rage incidents have occured!
 
I'm sorry, I was falling off the chair laughing at the last comment, who would have thought that Michael O'Leary is that fecking smart... turns out the man is a fecking genius.
 
Jeez! The multiple personas of Messrs Tripeman, Wormius, Schwartzkopf and O'Leary should combine and create a single blog entity. Hell, I'd read it!
 
Ahh! I see. Since i had my left testicle removed ive noticed im right sided aggressive when flying. Often when i got angry flying and went to walk to the toilet to cool down i'd just walk round in a circle since my right side was going 'faster' than my left. Its just flying to a gig in Dublin with Ryanair i was happy out. But coming back with aer arann i got into an argument with a sri lankan horse prostate checker and was gesturing to him with my middle finger, on my right hand of course. I even threatened to set onto him with my pet Tamil Tiger, i was just messin though. I dont believe in keeping captured animals. Wormius for Nobel Prize boy! Ryanair for me!!
 
I second RC's notion, you really need to get a blog... with material like that, you'd be well loved!
 
"Des", why do you say "with my right hand of course"? Is it that you and "tripeman" are one and the same and it was not only your ring finger that was amputated in the unfortunate incident with the catfish in Donegal?
 
Thx for the concern Rc, but all my mandibles are intact, i was just referring to my right sided aggression. I know tripeman well and like him i suffered a seafaring accident since i lost my left testicle to a john dory fish while scuba diving in Atlantic pond. I was on a donor list for a testicle but they dont come often. Since organ donor cards are for internal organs, you need an individual donor card for a testicle, finger,thumb. Theres only been 1 testicle donor card holder die in cork last 2 years and he was japanese. So i turned it down since i thought the japanese sperm might be genetically quicker of the blocks than my own since they are generally lighter build so it follows their sperm will be that bit quicker (Dr Wormius is this true?), i asked Mrs Bishop and she didnt fancy an oriental bairn despite the discount we could get at the local takeaway. But its not all that bad i got sorted with a prosthetic testicle which looks great. Its actually the gallstone from a Delacour's langur monkey wrapped in segment of octopus leg, i just wet the sucker and it sticks on. Anyway, my mum's shouting that my dinners ready so i better head downstairs. Campbells meatballs in bolognese sauce with Ye Olde Oak Premium Hot Dogs Yum!!
 
Hi intellectuals! Everyone here knows the insight into the scientific world that www.purecorkboy.com offers, with renowned intellectuals like Dr Wormius contributing. As an olympic gold winner and public relations officer for safe swimming in Ireland I just wanted to highlight the dangers of swimming in Irish waters, highlighted by the sad cases of tripeman and Des Bishop, especially with summer coming around. Come the sunshine we just dive into the water without regard for the predators that lurk beneath our waters. We dont need to be told that the catfish and john dory are the northern piranhas but there are others that we need to be wary off. Like salmon which recently jumped out of water to headbutt 85 year old Moira Shenanigan and mugged her off her silver Cartier handbag as she paddled in a ford. Just in a moment of madness she forgot that salmon make nests out of shiny objects and her bag is probably perched in a coconut tree in Currabinny woods keeping some young salmon warm. Claims by conservationists that it was only heading to breeding grounds are diabolically inaccurate. But with over 40 deaths to sticklebacks, this fish is one of the most deadly predators. Attaching itself to the spine (hence its name) it draws spinal fluid until the victim is sucked dry. Our summer advertising campaign with my support will hopefully keep irish folk safe from sticklebacks. If you call swimireland, we will send a free stickleback repellent to every caller. Its a backpack made from Lego which the stickleback can't attach its plastic antennae too. Remember safe swimming lads.
 
Just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water...
 
Here, let me tell you lads, as a woman, I don't care about your 'two veg'..it's the 'meat' that interests me!

Interesting thing about the lengths of fingers though...hmmmmm!
 
Always nice to get the female perspective.
 
Im a midget from Lilliput and all my fingers are about the same size.
Is it worth putting my hand on the hubble telescope to see if theres a billionth of a millimetres difference in height of my ring finger? Just i threw a stone at Gulliver when he landed and wondered if this was due to high testosterone.
 
dr wormius here, sorry about being away so long. i was writing my article for Hello magazine on my testosterone findings. Its on page 75 of this months issue. Next to the story from Claudia Schiffer regarding MacAulay Culkin leaving a floater in her bidet. Or see my webpage on my name. KnackeredKaz, you dont care about 2 veg! I wonder if maybe you are so tired as your vitamin intakes down? Maybe the next time you are gobbling meat a couple of sprouts in your mouth might add so much to the flavour! Your caring doctor..Wormius.
 
Ok this has to stop. I am now obsessed with loooking at guys hands. Trying to do it unnoticed when I keep forgetting which one is supposed to be longer is just getting too god damm difficult. So I have decided that there really is only one way to find out.....
 
Just ask them can you look at their hands, gently stroke their palms and they'll love it!
 
Just ask Guy out, Im sure he will be flattered. Bear in mind if you are going with the 'other' method, that you dont give him frostbite.
 
Greetings, im interested to know in what 'special powers' you have with your mutant large finger. We are looking for superheros in the Cork area and wonder if you would be interested. (As long as you pass your medical with Dr Wormius).
We are particularly short of flying ventriliquists who can throw their voice at altitudes of 10000ft to ground level. Also we currently dont have an invisible man or a shapeshifter with a cork accent.
If so, please send us your waist and leg size so we can get a costume ready for you. Would you prefer a full mask or just your eyes? or even a pair of disguising spectacles a la Clarke Kent?
Note we currently only have green leggings in waist size 28 so bear that in mind.

Regards

Professor Xavier
X-Men European Office
Irish Division
1 Superhero Avenue
Chechnya
 
Dear Professor Xavier,

Thank you for your kind invitation. It's amazing how you recognised that I'm more than sad enough to want to join your merry band of spandex clad heroes. Then again, heightened mental ability is your super power after all.

Interestingly, my mutant finger has somehow imbued with the power of orange. While at first this might seem of little use, such a view couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact as "The Mighty Orange", for that is what I am known as, I feel that I would be a powerful ally in your never-ending fight against evil and villainy! Here's a quick run down of my powers:

Flight: Let’s face it, you’re just not a real super hero without the power of flight!

Transmogrification: As required, I can transform my body into an unusual orange substance with a hard outer peel. This has many advantages as the outer peel has the ability to absorb energy beams and various other kinetic forms of energy. It also has a high degree of elasticity, which is handy if I need to bounce off something.

Liquification: When necessary, I can turn completely into a fruity orange liquid allowing me to easily escape from traditional restraints and gain access to places other heroes just can’t go. This power is particularly handy when on occasion I lock myself out of the house.

Orange Beam: My primary weapon is a concentrated orange energy beam, which is handy for smiting my enemies.

Orange Blast: My secondary weapon is an unusual orange blast that emits a forceful shockwave while simultaneously showering everyone in the target area with an odd orange liquid. This is of limited use but can be a blast (geddit???) at parties!

Later, if I can spare some time, I will post an image of myself in all of my orange spandex glory, just to give you an idea of what you’d be getting.
 
Now that's a sight we can do without thank you very much. I'm wondering who's crazier here, the inimitable spam-boy/girl or you!
 
RC, calm down. You know you want to be a super hero as well. I can see it now, you could be known as Alternative Reality and have amazing powers such as the ability to warp reality and other cool shit!
 
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