OMFG! I just spent the last hour watching the new series of Love Island with my sister and her housemate. What a total fecking scream! Personally, I can’t stand all of this reality tv bullshit, for me watching something like Big Brother is like watching paint dry and I’ve never been slow to tell those of you that do like such programs what brain dead morons you must obviously be. However, it’s all backfired on me now because (*almost choking with disgust*) I actually enjoyed it!

Dear Lord God, in all fecking fairness, what the sweet Jesus are you up to? Was it something I did to displease you? Is it because I’ve been overly naughty of late? I can’t go into work tomorrow and tell everyone I was watching Celebrity Love Island without getting laughed out of the place, what the fuck are you trying to do me???

Now come on, the geography quiz, how could anyone watching not think that was funny? Ok, if they had been given some freaky countries like Turkmenistan, Angola or Patagonia (ok, not really a country but obscure none the less), you might have felt a bit of their pain but when celebrity bimbo number one, Victoria Hervey, places the USA sticker on top of Canada, you know you’re in for a very special treat. Worse, she’s even fucking living in the USA! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, you just can’t beat class. A little more geopolitical manoeuvring later and France had turned into Spain, Belgium into Portugal, Mexico into Chile and New Zealand into Fiji. Thank God the Irish guy, Shane, knew where Italy was located or we’d never have heard the end of it.

Speaking of which, what the fuck is up with that Shane? I mean, how many (heterosexual) men who’ve just been told that they have to spend the night with a good looking woman turn around and declare that it’s just not right, like no way, I’m not having any of that. Cop yourself on man, get with the program, literally... LOVE Island!!!

Finally, if I was only allowed to send out one message to a single contestant then it would have to be to Chris “James Bond is my father so you might fight yourself suddenly overcome with an unexplainable urge to throw yourself at me, strip naked and shag me senseless” Brosnan and it would be simply this - you’re an absolute fucking wanker! In fairness, your father always comes across as a reasonably nice guy with a good personality but I’d wager money he’s currently hiding in a corner somewhere cringing with embarrassment. Tosser!

Now girls, don’t be like getting all excited or anything, this is once-off occurrence. If you reckon I’m going to be doing a running commentary for the remainder of the series, you’re more delusional than I suspected. Although just for the record, does anyone else out there reckon that Alicia Douvall, the professional shagger, looks like a mugged version of Geri Halliwell. (You know, I can’t believe I actually said something that bitchy and mean, see what a bad influence this program is having on me!)

Labels: Humour, Television

# Forged from the fiery depths by Pure Cork Boy.